Insight, Inspiration, Healing

When I fall even more deeply in love with him, I see so much of his light.
I love to see his light.
Then his shadow blindsides me. Again.
And the flame of my fiery response draws oxygen from my own nasty shadow.
I’ve been here before, in this intimate fear.
Fall for someone and eventually you won’t be able to get up.
Not only that, but your fall may set off dominoes of falls, fallings…….
I remember again that tortuous ancient lifetime of tragedies that befell my Sisters because I fell for a man.
I acted on my Seeing that told me there was a time coming when women and men could be equals and that I must help to lead the way.
I’m tired after another dance in the depths with my beloved, my closest spiritual companion, my tantric match.
Does that make him mine?
Yes, but not in that dreaded ownership.
That makes him mine to love, honour, and cherish when I am also loving, honouring, and cherishing myself.
Simultaneity would be ideal.
It’s a growing edge
The whirlwind of his hungry-for-life energy is compelling to me.
In the light, we play, make love, cook, eat, make music, meditate/sing/pray, create projects, engage with people, comfort each other, laugh……
In the dark I lose myself in the unconscious unspoken undercurrents of old marriages filled with bitter resentments and unborn dreams, in the triggered swamp of abandoned babies and children, in the powerful undertow of unseen subconscious expectations, power struggles, fear and mistrust that have bounced between men and women for millennia.
My biggest mistrust, the most dreaded, that sometimes gets projected out and onto my beloved is mistrust of myself.
Neglect.
Failure to know what I needed.
I did speak to myself with forgiveness for not knowing what I didn’t know.
Come to think of it, COULDN’T know because these particular waters have never been charted.
I offered and received blessed forgiveness for not knowing what was not yet known to either of us.

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