There’s so much to be learned by including consciousness of the inner landscape in the ‘walk of life’.
I’d been under a wave, a blanket, an inner oppressor since I woke this morning. First was fatigue from having slept poorly. It didn’t lift when I got up and moved into my day.
Had to drag myself to do what needed to be done.
Irritable. Angry at being slowed down by my body. Not wanting to get sick. Feeling/fearing that I WAS getting sick.
Dull of mind.
Blue of spirit.
I know this place.
It’s been years since it was chronic, thanks to the learning and practicing of a variety of healing tools. Couldn’t seem to remember any of them as I trudged through my day.
Barely an appetite for dinner.
Fortunately, my home-made veggie soup from a few days ago was available.
After soup and some connection with my beloved, the pall
lifted and some insights came through.
(Oh, I should say that a couple of hours earlier, the physical portion of this malaise lifted after I did a couple of healing herb shots – some echinacea drops in a bit of water and some zinc-based throat spray.)
The pall that lifted over dinner was the deadened, depressed, hopelessness.
It occurred to me that this, back in my theatre-school days, was what we used to call the post-performance blues.
Yesterday, my partner and I performed some music with several other enthusiastic members of our ‘alternative’ synagogue.
It was fun, uplifting, and demanding in the arena of ‘being seen’, which is always a mixed blessing for me and my odd mix of introversion with occasional extroverted spurts – these days usually in the service of making music.
Here’s the NEW LEARNING about all of that.
In the ‘giving presence’ that singing and leading prayers/chants in a public forum requires, I’m ‘out there’. Not exactly out of touch with my inner self – I need lots of awareness of breathing; projecting; remembering Hebrew words; tuning in to the rabbi, fellow musicians, the congregation. What had been out of consciousness is that I must also make space to care for some of my extra needs as a high-empath healer while leading/performing. That is, in any community setting, whether I’m overtly offering leadership or not, I tend to be a sponge for people’s unexpressed feelings/issues’/needs. I see them, hear them, feel them even when they’re not spoken to me, and frequently they are. I’ve assumed a false separation from my ‘performer’ and my ‘healer’. I’m now thinking that the openness required to lead liturgical music opens everything further, including the empathic channel. Without awareness of that, and the tools I can use to take care of myself, I got swamped yesterday.
Finally, I had a big cry that released grief, stress, loneliness, and other pains I’d picked up from my fellow-travellers.
Back in my own place of balance, it was a sweet evening and promises to be a good sleep tonight.