One piece of good news in my life is that
I have a very loving home.
I share it with two men.
In various combinations, we have
shared time and space as well as
separate space and time.
One man is my first husband of 39 years.
He is also my second longest ‘bestie’,
next to the woman
who became my first best friend
when we were both 13.
The other man is my partner.
Twelve years ago we met and have been
a tantric partnership
that is a foundation of
love/trust/spiritual growth for both of us.
There is much beauty and light for me
in both of these relationships.
There are also many learning moments
that are triggered
by what’s not so pretty and enlightened
in us and between us.
I’m referring to Garden Variety (and uniquely individual)
Shadow Material that goes with being human.
I would say that many if not most
have to grapple with (or ignore) this stuff.
More on that later in this blog.
That is, more on the story of how
self-responsibility for Shadow Material
led to a swift
return to LOVE.
Also, probably more later on
how I came to live with my two guys.
When I fall even more deeply in love with him, I see so much of his light.
I love to see his light.
Then his shadow blindsides me. Again.
And the flame of my fiery response draws oxygen from my own nasty shadow.
I’ve been here before, in this intimate fear.
Fall for someone and eventually you won’t be able to get up.
Not only that, but your fall may set off dominoes of falls, fallings…….
I remember again that tortuous ancient lifetime of tragedies that befell my Sisters because I fell for a man.
I acted on my Seeing that told me there was a time coming when women and men could be equals and that I must help to lead the way.
I’m tired after another dance in the depths with my beloved, my closest spiritual companion, my tantric match.
Does that make him mine?
Yes, but not in that dreaded ownership.
That makes him mine to love, honour, and cherish when I am also loving, honouring, and cherishing myself.
Simultaneity would be ideal.
It’s a growing edge
The whirlwind of his hungry-for-life energy is compelling to me.
In the light, we play, make love, cook, eat, make music, meditate/sing/pray, create projects, engage with people, comfort each other, laugh……
In the dark I lose myself in the unconscious unspoken undercurrents of old marriages filled with bitter resentments and unborn dreams, in the triggered swamp of abandoned babies and children, in the powerful undertow of unseen subconscious expectations, power struggles, fear and mistrust that have bounced between men and women for millennia.
My biggest mistrust, the most dreaded, that sometimes gets projected out and onto my beloved is mistrust of myself.
Failure to know what I needed.
I did speak to myself with forgiveness for not knowing what I didn’t know.
Come to think of it, COULDN’T know because these particular waters have never been charted.
I offered and received blessed forgiveness for not knowing what was not yet known to either of us.